March 30, 2009--more E-mail Jokes

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
**********
WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
**********
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A man's perspective)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
**********
MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
**********
WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier
discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
**********
WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
**********
CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful
all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be
attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
***********
WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it,
because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should
do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top
of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
**********
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the
silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to
break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00
AM .'He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed
his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

**********

God may have created man before woman, but

there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Thanks to LCFH of NM

Robert (Charles) Benchley--September 15, 1889 – November 21, 1945

Robert Benchley at Wikipedia

Robert Benchley ay IMDb.com

Peter Benchley at Wikipedia

Peter Benchley, grandson of Robert Benchley, was a one-time speech writer in the White House for President Lyndon Johnson and wrote Jaws, The Island, and The Deep, all made into movies.




Quotes

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Robert Benchly at brainyquote.com

**********

The Value of Laughter, Especially in Older Age
By ROBERTA HERSHENSON
Published: Sunday, June 5, 1994

New York Timea

THE aging process may be nothing to laugh at, but growing older can provide rich opportunities for laughter. This was the premise of a humor workshop held here recently that resembled nothing so much as a group therapy session. It was led by Izzy Gesell, a writer and humorist from Northampton, Mass., who takes his calling so seriously that he has formed a company called Wide Angle Humor to spread the word.

THE aging process may be nothing to laugh at, but growing older can provide rich opportunities for laughter.

This was the premise of a humor workshop held here recently that resembled nothing so much as a group therapy session. It was led by Izzy Gesell, a writer and humorist from Northampton, Mass., who takes his calling so seriously that he has formed a company called Wide Angle Humor to spread the word.

In his opening remarks at the free afternoon program, sponsored by the Town of Greenburgh Arts and Culture Committee and the Steinberg Senior Center, Mr. Gesell spoke of the perspective and balance a sense of humor can provide. He encouraged the 70 people in their 50's through 80's gathered in a room at Anthony Veteran Park here to notice what strikes them as funny in their daily lives and to use that self-knowledge to lighten their spirits.

To be successful at finding the humor around them, he told the group, they would need to take an honest look at themselves. "People see a stylized image of themselves when they look in the mirror," he said. "We don't want to see ourselves as less than perfect. But self-esteem is closely related to a sense of humor, and we need to be able to laugh at our imperfections."

Mr. Gesell, a balding, sad-eyed 46-year-old with a mustache, made it plain that the world frustrates and maddens him: there is aggravation at the supermarket, where the checkout clerk can't tell lettuce from rutabaga, and more on the highway, where other drivers are either idiots or maniacs. "The idiots drive more slowly than you do and the maniacs drive too fast, so there's always someone to be mad at," Mr. Gesell said.

But people needn't be victims of gut-wrenching stress, said Mr. Gesell, who holds a bachelor's degree in psychology and a master's degree in education. They can lift their own moods the way he lifts his, he said -- by doing something silly, like donning a pair of Groucho Marx eyeglasses with nose attached, or by summoning a particularly happy or funny memory. Everyone has these, he said, and the elderly have had time to gather more of them.

He asked his listeners to close their eyes and smile, and then he reminded them of psychologists' recent findings: when the facial muscles employed in smiling are exercised, pleasant feelings follow. Or, as Mr. Gesell put it, "Your body says: 'She's smiling -- she must be happy. I'm going to release the happy stuff.' "

To help the audience become more self-aware, he divided the group into pairs and asked people to tell each other the things that caused them stress. Some answers were dishonesty, taxes, family members, health problems, selfish people, driving, noise and shopping. Then he asked them to name the things that made them happy.

Suddenly the room buzzed loudly as people discussed their pleasures: food, sex, grandchildren, music, liquor, financial security.

"I have news for you," Mr. Gesell said. "There was a much higher level of intensity when you talked about your joys than about your stresses. Even thinking about your pleasures brings you pleasure."

Humor is a risky business

Mr. Gesell has conducted similar workshops with members of the United States House of Representatives and at many corporate headquarters. He stresses that each life is an accumulation of buried jewels that can be uncovered to bring renewed joy. "To the emotion, the memory is as real as the actual event," he told the audience here.

On a more practical level, he urged people to remove their souvenirs and old photographs from storage boxes or albums and keep them in view. "Use photos of people, places or events that make you happy and spend your time connecting with them in your memory," Mr. Gesell said. "When you are feeling down, go through your stuff and find things that have happy memories for you."

"Can't memories make you melancholy?" a man asked.

"That's a danger," Mr. Gesell answered. "Humor is a risky business and always operates in ambiguity." But, he pointed out, sadness passes, and besides, "It's good to grieve." It's All in the Delivery

He had promised to teach the group how to tell a joke, and now it was time. Jokes also operate in ambiguity, Mr. Gesell said. "They are always about the kinds of problems people face and the solutions to the problems, seen from a different point of view."

Many people have trouble remembering jokes because "we don't know if we will like a joke until it's over," Mr. Gesell said. But, he added, a joke need not be told verbatim so long as its three main elements are mastered: the setup, the problem or conflict and the solution or punch line.

The details can always be varied to the teller's own taste, Mr. Gesell said, urging listeners to learn a joke, practice it in front of a mirror and try it out on someone.

"In Florida, a lot of widows are looking for a man who can drive at night," a man called out, and the audience, made up about equally of men and women, laughed.

"What makes us happy changes throughout our lives," Mr. Gesell said, without missing a beat. "For instance, I chose my second wife because she has brains, beauty and a job with a health plan."

Roberta Hershnson, author of "The Value of Laughter, Especially in Older Age" for The New York Times, 1994"

A good joke received by email--

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job..'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments..

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work..

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed.. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES"

Thanks, "K&L in Utah"

'Three Stooges' coming together at MGM

Wed Mar 25, 2009, 02:54 PM ET • Source: Hollywood Reporter

(WireImage.com/Sony Pictures)

Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.
MGM and the Farrelly brothers are finally slapping together their high-profile cast for "The Three Stooges," a comedy project the filmmakers have been developing for years. Sean Penn is set to play Larry, and Jim Carrey is in negotiations to play Curly. Benicio del Toro is a rumored possibility for the brothers' taciturn leader, Moe.
The studio is looking to start production in the fall for a 2010 release slot.

The project was originally set up at Columbia, which produced the 1930s Stooges shorts. C3 Entertainment Inc., which holds the licensing rights to the Stooges brand, then sold the feature rights to Warner Bros. in 2001 for the Farrellys to write and produce the movie. Eventually, Warner Bros. let the rights lapse and MGM's Mary Parent scooped them up along with the Farrellys' continuing participation.

Peter and Bobby Farrelly wrote the script, which Bobby has referenced as "Dumb, Dumber & Dumbest," and will produce with Bradley Thomas and Charlie Wessler. Earl and Robert Benjamin of C3 will executive produce.
The film is not a biopic but a fictional treatment that maintains the Stooges' gleeful slap schtick updated for a modern milieu.

Originally constructed as four separate shorts, the feature screenplay has since been streamlined into a single narrative. Included in the story line is an opening that shows the Stooges as kids in an orphanage, a device that will require some "Benjamin Button"-style visual trickery to place the adult actors' heads on child actors' bodies.
The Stooges maintain remarkably global brand recognition, and their shorts, films and cartoons are still broadcast in 30 countries.

The Farrelly brothers' latest comedy "The Heartbreak Kid" grossed $124 million worldwide.


The Three Stooges Movie

Ellen DeGeneres




Ellen de Generes at Wikipedia

Ellen: The Ellen de Generes Show at IMDb.com

Ellen: The Ellen de Generes Show at Wikipedia

Ellen De Generes at brainyquote.com

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
BQ


For me, it's that I contributed, ... That I'm on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That's to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.

Ellen de Generes at The Quotation Page

I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

Ellen de Generes at The Quotation Page

Lucille Ball

Desi Arnaz, who had just died five days earlier following a long bout with cancer, had written a touching statement for this event, which is read here (video below) by Robert Stack. (Lucy had to fly almost immediately to Washington following Desi's funeral in order to attend this event.) Lucy struggles to keep her composure, but the mood quickly changes when Bea Arthur, Valerie Harper and Pam Dawber come out for a musical tribute to Lucille Ball -- a musical medley of WILDCAT, MAME and I LOVE LUCY, set to special new lyrics.

Lucille Ball at Wikepedia

Lucille Ball at IMDb.com

Desi Arnaz at Wikipedia

Lucille Ball at brainyquote.com

Ability is of little account without opportunity.

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Lucille Ball at brainyquote.com

Seinfeld Show

For many people, the reruns of "The Seinfeld Show" (originally aired 1989 - 1998) have become classic, must-see television. I Have enjoyed the show over the years. I would not be surprised to find out that our 20-year old son has pretty much memorized most of the lines in every episode.



The characters have become television comedy legends. Besides Jerry Seinfeld himself, there is
Elaine,
Julia Louis-Dreyfus at Wikipedia
Kramer,
Michael Richards at Wikipedia
and George.
Jason Alexander at Wikipedia




Seinfeld show at Wikipedia

3/24 Red Skelton

Red Skelton at Wikipedia

Red Skelton at IMDb.com

Red Skelton at brainyquote.com

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Congress: Bingo with billions.

Red Skelton at brainyquote.com

Totie Fields at Wikipedia

Totie Fields at IMDb.com

Charlie Chaplin at Wikipedia

Charles Chaplin at IMDb.com

Charlie Chaplin at brainyquote.com

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference.

I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.

W.C. Fields at Wikipedia

W.C. Fields at IMDb.com

W.C. Fields at Brainyquote.com

Note-It

45-month old Grandson Jimi really got a kick out of this W.C. Fields juggling. He and I were both amazed to tell you the truth.

Note-It 2

See comment by Reg on Fields and his juggling

George Bush at Wikipedia

David Letterman at Wikipedia

David Letterman Show at Wikipedia

The Late Show with David Letterman at IMDb.com

U.S. Presidents at Wikipedia

Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, 1967 -68

Pat Paulsen at Wikipedia

Tom Smothers at Wikipedia

Dick Smothers at Wikipedia


"The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour" (1967) started out as a typical comedy/variety program. When the show began (and continued) to use humor/satire to criticize America's involvement in the Vietnam War, CBS network censors and executives were, to say the least, nervous. This Bravo cable channel documentary tells what happened behind the scenes at the network, how the people involved were affected, and why the show was ultimately cancelled. Many of those who were involved directly with the show are interviewed, including performers, writers, and former CBS executives." Written by David Glagovsky {dglagovsky@prodigy.net}

Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour at IMDb

Tim Conway and Harvey Korman on the Carol Burnett Show

A dentist skit





Video brought to my attention by my wife.

Tim Conway at Wikipedia

Harvey Korman at Wikipedia

Carol Burnett at Wikipedia

The Carol Burnett Show at Wikipedia

What Jimi Said, 3/15/09

Real Life Toddle Story

My wife has been in the habit of fixing delicious Sunday lunches for the family for many years. Today she fixed one of our favorite menu items--chicken fajitas, a Mexican food item with tortilla, peppers, chicken (or steak or both), cheese, guacamole, and sour cream. These are very enjoyable and are gulped down by many of the gathered lunch eaters (of course, I eat with the decorum of a retired grandpa with slower reflexes than in years past)..

As usual, Grandson Jimi came to lunch with his Dad. My wife asked him if he wanted a fajita, knowing that he loves them, and surprisingly he said no. Chris reminded Jimi of his preference for fajitas, and the Grandson Jimi soon to be 45 months old said,

"Fajita Grandma, I know what I want and I know what I don't want."

And what did Mr. Assertive Toddler want? Fruity Peebles, his favorite cereal.

A New Link Posted to "Shail's Nest"

Today I posted a new link, a link to Shail's Nest, belonging to a friend of mine, Shailaja Mohan who lives in Kerela, India. Kerela, India, on Wikipedia.com She is proud to be a stay-at-home Mom and lists her occupation as human resources. She writes about various subjects from her heart in a very human way.

I was first her friend at Yahoo 360 where her writing style and passion and joy for life caught my eye. Now we are friends at multiply.com, but she does much of her writing at Shail's Nest. Link for Shail's Nest

You will find delightful humor at her site, as well as other subjects. Enjoy.

Bob

Harvey Korman at Wikipedia

Carol Burnett at Wikipedia

The Carol Burnett Show at Wikipedia

HOW DANGEROUS IS A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE COMPARED TO NO KNOWLEDGE? "In some situations where a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, it is still less dangerous than no knowledge." BH

FRUSTRATION IN THE CEREAL AISLE While shopping in a grocery store the other day, I saw an elderly lady muttering to herself in the cold cereals section. As she got closer to me, I heard her say, "I could find what I was looking for if they didn't have 900 different types of cereal. I decided to come to her rescue. "What are you looking for?" I asked. "Maple-flavored mini-wheats," she answered. After searching all 900 boxes of cereal twice I turned up empty-handed, reported my failure, and left before I heard what she had to say about me. BH

Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools dwcoyed into our condition. Samuel Pepys 1633-1703 Quoted in The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations, edited by Evan Esar (DORSET Press, 1949)

Joe Frazier at Wikipedia

Muhammed Ali at Wikipedia

Dick Cavett at Wikipedia

The Dick Cavett Show at Wikipedia

March 9, 2009--Emo Philips does an impersonation of Elvis

Emo Philips





Emo Phillips at Wikipedia

Emo Phillips at Brainyquote.com

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Tina Fey on Sarah Palin

Tina Fey at Wikipedia

Sarah Palin at Wikipedia

I Know you Are, But What am I?

Bill Cosby Spoofs Drugs and Drug Users

Bill Cosby on Dentists

Bill Cosby at Brainyquote.com

About Moir, More or Less

Hi Reader, It's me, the post writer. A question: Were you like me as a kid, alway cracking jokes, sometimes getting in trouble (driving some of the poor nuns in the Catholic schools nearly bonkers; once, while I was in the 4th grade the first time, Sister Hachet Look asked me if I could wait to do the "Bob Hope routine until I was old enough to handle it?); did you have the uncontrollable feeling that you were always fuuny, and furthermore, that it was your social and humanitarian responsibilty to share that HG (Humor Gift) 24/7 with ACPWY (Anyone Crossing Paths with You)? By the 11th grade I was pretty sure that I could handle the Bob Hope routine, especially if I had a staff or writers like his. I even read his autobiography, Have Tux, Will Travel, but became somewhat discouraged because I didn't have a tux in high school. But I remained troubled by one fact: did Bob Hope and Bob Hoff, two people just two letters away from the same name, share an unrealized destiny? Through college, through my career in the U.S. Federal government (in a job with opportunities for mini-standup routines, forays into humor style, content, and presentation that I could always take when my supervisors with a 0.00 sense of humor themselves and 100% Humor Appreciation Deprivation Sindrome weren't around, and into retirement, I have always dabbled in humor, in one way or another. Not only do I like to read and study about it, I buy and collect books about it (not only books on humor as my WWOSDWAEA (Wonderful wife of several decades will attest even again), but many other subjects. I love to share the humor of my sons, watch humor with them whenever we get the chance or get their recommendations, and of course, give them some of mine :=) (two sons are planning to go to a Jerry Seinfeld concert soon) and even watch it with my wife when I can ply her away from her favorites--Thriller/Mysteries. I once said in a short and impromptu speech at a training course (representing the collaboration and findings of our group in a group exercise) that "humor is a social lubricant." Many in the audience who laughed vigorously seemed to be laughing at the word lubricant, missing what I thought was my excellent point completely. Can you imagine? My point was that humor may "oil the wheels" of meeting and getting to know a stranger in a social context. It has occasionally welled up in my mind as to what word I could have substituted for, you know, the "l" word? I want humor to assist my message in getting across, encourage the stimulation of thought in the recipient. Not of all events, to have my humor obscure those goals. BTW, if the last sentence is a fragment, I meant to include it as a fragment. I read somewhere that sentence fragments are no longer verboten. Bob

Tip: Chedk out Hulu.com for free comedy tv and movies on-line

The HUMOR Project

---

One of my favorite all-time on-line friends is Shail (from Yahoo 360, Multiply, Shelfari and other places; a Cool Cancerian she follows the Grandson blog-- at Jimi Victorino reminded me--when I was reading her Follow "info" on this page--about The Humor Project link. It's a great humor repository of HUMOR LINKS so I've added it to my KTOH "link list" to the far right (spatially, not politically). Please check this link out, Everyone! Thanks, Shail! P.S. Shail, may I post your link to SN on this page? While you write beautifully at SN about some serious and even sad subjects, your SN humor is great writing that sparkles. What do you think? Have a Nice Day/Evening in Kerela. Bob

---

from...The Humor Project, 030309 You grow up the day you have your first real laugh-- at yourself. Ethel Barrymore When did you have your first good laugh at yourself? Make a sign to remind you to laugh at yourself: I am a classic underachiever. No matter how low I set my goals, I can always manage to slide in under them. The thoughts above are excerpted from Joel Goodman's "Laffirmations: 1001 Ways to Add Humor to Your Life and Work" published by Health Communications, Inc. Copyright 1995 The HUMOR Project, Inc. "Laffirmations" is available in bookstores everywhere as well as through theHUMOResources mail-order catalog and online bookstore. The Humor Project

Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld at Wikipedia

Jerry Seinfeld at Brainyquote.com